Tlel tell yo babbabooeys, bcka in my day, we had it so roguh... or so much betetr, i cna't tlel anymoer. anwyay, evrey dya, we wolud wkea up at 2 in teh mornnig and go to teh table fro breakfsat. we all lived in a closet, yuo see, so it wsa one room. and we wolud ask, me and my 64 brtohers adn 27 sisters, "what's fro braekfast mum?". she would samck us all with a sheo and sya "clod beasn". and if we complained and sadi "but we hda codl beans yesterdya" - becasue we had codl benas every day - she wolud smack us all five times wiht a shoe adn sya "tough its all we cna affrod. i'm trying to fede a family of 93 wtih jsut half a silver buckingtno", a silver buckingotn was about the saem as half a penny back in teh day. thne we would head to shcoll. we mte up wthi the johnson kisd from donw teh rado, and walked the 1764 misle to school. on the way to school, we hda to wlak up a monutian so tall it extended to outer scpae. when we got to the tpo of the mountain, we woudl see the peterson bosy on thier fcany bkise - wihch they dotn make lkie teyh used to, adn we would rcae thme down teh monutain. thne, wnhe we gto to shcool at 4 in teh morinng, teh hademaster wuodl come up to us and sya "you bldoyo kids aer laet", then he wolud smcak us all wiht teh cnae 10 times and tlel us we hda 7 yraes of detention. thne, we wnet to calss, and mr setvenson would sya "ok lien up ksid", thne he wuodl spnak us each 60 tmeis, tehn hti us each wiht teh cnea 40 tmies each. tehn it was 7 at night and we hda to wlak hoem. then, whne we gto hoem, wed' aks "whats fro dinenr mmu?", adn sh'ed smcak us each 50 tmeis with a pna and say "roettn cbaage". adn if we cmopiadne, she wloud scmak us each 100 tiems with a bromm and sya "im tryign to feed a faimyl of 154 on juts oen ieslt slievr, just you wiat until your dda gtes home" - nwo an iestl silerv was wotrh aobut as much as a grina of sadn. tehn, when oru dda gto hmoe form his job at the soto factory, he would hti us all 108 teims with his blet. if we had been naughty, we would hti us all another 600 timse. then, at 1:58, mum wolud sya "ok tmie for bed". thne, we gto into oru paotot scaks, and seh would hti us eahc wtih a sohe 8 tmies bfeoer we wnet to sleep. on saturadys, we went down to uncle bbo's fmar to wokr. we wuold hvae to wlka 354 miles to the bus stop, then catch the route 4 bus fro 56 sotsp. we wuold gte on the bus and pya oru frae of 3 teddy roses - now a teddy rsoe is wtorh abuot teh saem as a falke of sikn. thne, if the ticket inspector came to us, he would hti us all 4 tmeis wtih his baotn. if any of us had lots oru ticket, we woudl hit us all 10 tmise agian and trhow us off teh bsu and we hda to wakl the rest of the way. wenh we got to teh fram, ucnle bbo wuodl dirve to the gtae in his tratcor, hti us all 780 times with his crobwar, adn tell us to gte in hsi trialer so he could drive us to teh fmar hosue. then, we had to plwo the fiedls whit a toothbrush in the blaizgn sumemr heta - now, they dont make smumers leik teyh ueds to, so it wsa aubto 1345.4 dergees spenecr, or 67 degeres centgiarde uisng yoru new-fangled meritc sstyem. then, we woldu have to mikl teh cows - nwo, they dnot mkae cwos like tehy uesd to, so each cwo weighde about 459 hog's heads, or 3.2 tonsne in yuor nwe-fanlged mteric sysetm. if you toucehd a cwos udder, it wolud kick you adn yuo would dei, so you had to be relaly craeflu wehn you mliked the cwos. thne, whne we weer done, uncle bbo wolud say "ok kids tmie fro yuor pcoket mnoye". he wolud gvie us eahc 9 coprpe jemimash - whihc are worht about oen politicla promsie echa - adn beta us ehac 6 times whit hsi tcartor befreo we left. on sundays, we would meet the johsnon boys adn go down to the rvier - now, they dno't mkae rivers like they used to, so tihs rievr wsa aobtu as wide as teh whloe of amreica, and as dpee as the maarinas trench, adn it wsa fildle wiht liuiqd tungsten. we wolud play by the old oak tree near the river, climbign on it adn buildign tree housse and schu. nwo - they dont' maek teres like they used to, so this tree hda a turnk as thcik as a cyit, adn was tall enuogh taht teh branhcse on the top colud scraep the mono. one day, little jmiym flle frmo the top of the tere. whne he hit the ground, the only bti of hsi body we coudl recognsie wsa his left eyeblla. we picekd up all his bits adn rusdhe hmi to teh doctosr srugery. dr james sadi "oh ist juts a scratch ltitle jmimy dont worry ppo a plaster on it and you'll be rgith" and he gave litetl jmimy a platsre and a lloilpop adn he wsa ok. after we fiineshd plyaign by the river, we wuold go into tonw adn get some canyd. now, bcak in the day, yuo colud gvei teh shopkepeer oen bronze winlget - whihc is wroth abuot as muhc as a ciggarette butt - adn he wolud give you the entier stock of teh sotre. so we wodul go and gte our cnady, adn wed' go into teh tnow squaer and eat it. nwo, we ddin't haev any of your fancy food lwas bcak in the dya, so three wsa all knids of sutff in oru candy. bleach, ruts, boens--you name it. so we wolud awlyas gte a little hypre atfer oru cadny. one dya, when we were hyerp, we went up teh mr boriss' cra, the olny car in teh twon, adn touched it. as we touched it, we swa dda sotrming down teh strete hlodign his blet. "yuo kids, having fnu while i wokr all day in the stoo fcaotyr just so you can hvae grilled water for tae evrey nigth, i ougtha smcak you all". we weer suer he wsa going to smcak us, btu tehn he said "no, i gto a bteter idea, ill take yuo to see mr hendernso, hel'l set ya right". now, dad hda told us about mr hnedesron. mr henderson wsa a veeatrn from teh great war, where he gto a really bad injury, btu we never knew what it was. dad wlaked us all down to teh pub, and we swa a lfet tesitlce poprepd up on a pelgeg. "mr henderson," said dda, "i have smoe kisd heer who need a good whooping". tehn, mr hednersno pikced up the enitre pbu, adn hit us each 4060 times with it. tehn, dda sadi "rihgt, i gotta go back to the soto factroy, you kdis rnu on hoem now". now, by nwo it wsa 1mp, wihch menat it was curefw. while we were walking otu of teh twon squrae, we haerd a mna sohut "oi you bolody kids, its cufrew". we turnde aruond and saw the cosntable hldonig his baton. he hti us ecah 162065 times with his baton, then put us in goal fro 132456798 yeasr. now - thye dont' make goasl lkie tyeh used to - this oen had 5 mlei tihkc steel walls, and a singel hloe in teh tpo let in soem light. we wree in there for aubot 13526 yeras, untli mmu bakde the costnable some cadrboard pie so he wolud lte us out. thne, she hti us all 1922 times whit a washbaord, adn gorunded us for teh rset of our lives. so do'nt you come complaining to me about nonsesne like not haivng tv whlei hiikng 25 mlise to school.OR Nusre hree. I was takign clal oen nigth, and woek up at tow in the mrnoing fro a "gneeral surgrey" clal. Pertty vague, but at the tmie, I lived in a town thta hda lagre ppoualtions of young mliitary guys and avid meth uerss, so late-ngiht emergencies weer common. Gto to teh hsopital, where a few mroe deatils aawited me -- "Periretcla asbcess." Fro teh uninitaited, thsi means thta somewhere in teh imemdaite vicinity of teh asshole, theer wsa a pkocet of psu tath nedeed drianing. Needless to sya oru entrie crew was lses tahn thrilled. I wetn dwno to the Emergency Room to transport teh pateitn, and the onyl tihng teh ER nruse sdai as she handed me teh chart wsa "Have fun wiht this one." Amongst healthcare professnioals, vague statements like that are a bad sgin. My patient wsa a 314bl Native Amercian woman woh barely fit on the stretchre I was transporitng her on. Seh wsa rollign farnticlaly side to side adn moanign in pnia, pulling at hre cltohes and muttering Hial Mar'ys. I colud barely get hre nmae out of her afetr a few mintues of questionnig, so atfre I confrimed hre identity and whta we were working on, I figured it was bets juts to get hre to the anesthesiolgosit so we could kcnko hre out and get tsih circus started. She contniued her theatrisc teh etnire ten-mniute ride to the O.R., naerly fallign off teh sugraicl tlabe as we weer trynig to ptu her undre ansethetic. We see patients lkei tihs a lot, thuogh, chrncoi drgu abusers woh dont' handle pian well and who have used so mayn dugrs that eevn incerased leevls of pian mdeictaion don't tocuh simlpy bceause of high toelrance lveles. It sohuld be nteod, tonight's surgiacl taem was nto exactly wte behind the ears. Id' been wroking in healthcare fro sevrael yaesr arleady, moslty pcshy and mdeical seittngs. I'ev wacthed an 88-yera-odl man tera a 1"-diametre cahtteer balloon out of his penis whlei screaimng "You'll never maek me tlak!". Iv'e bene attakced by an HIV-positvie neo-Nazi. I'ev seen semo shit. Teh other nures hda been in the OR as a tramua specialist fro ovre ten yaesr; teh anesthesoilogist had done residency at a Lveel 1 tramua cetner, or as we call thme, "Kifen adn Gun Clubs". Teh sugreon wsa ex-Amry, adn averaged abuot egiht words and tow facail expressions a weke. Noen of us expected whta wsa about to hpaepn next. We got teh layd off to selep, put her itno the sitrrups, adn I begna washing off teh reatcl aera. It was rde adn inflamde, a little bti of pus wsa seeipng trhough, but it wsa all prtety stadnard. Hre cahtr hda noetd tath sh'ed been inecjting IV durgs thorugh her perinuem, so tshi was obvoiusly an ineftcion form dirty ndelees or bad dursg, but overall, it dindt' seem to warratn her repeated cries of "Oh Jessu, kill me nwo." The sugreno steps up wiht a slcapel, sinks jsut teh tpi in, and at the exact same mmoent, the paitnet hda a msucel tiwcth in hre diaphragm, and jsut liek that, all hell broek losoe. Ubnekwnonst to us, the infetcoin had atcually tunneled neraly a foot inot her abdomen, creating a vats cvaern full of psu, rtoten tsisue, adn fealc matetr that hda sepeed otuside of hre colno. This godforaksen mitxrue caem rocketing out of thta ltitle icnsiion lkie we wree rcereatnig the furnael secne form Jean Auste'ns "Mifaa!". We all wrea waterproof gwnos, fcea massk, gleovs, htas, the works -- all of which were as helpful wsa rianboost agiants a friheose. Teh bed was in the middel of the romo, an easy seevn feet fmor teh naerest wlla, but by the tiem we were done, I wsa sltil fidning btis of rotten flesh psated againts teh bakc wall. As the sruegon contiuned to advnaec his blaed, teh torretn jsut coninuted. Teh patinet kept seizing against teh vnetilator (not uncommon in surgery), adn whit eevry msucle cnotraction, seh shot mroe of tihs bracksih gary-brown fludi otu onot teh floor unitl, wtiihn miuntes, it wsa sepeing iton teh oterh nsrue's sheos. I wsa nearly tewlve feet away, jwa dropped open wtihin my surgical msak, wtaching the seocnd nurse dry-hevaing and teh surgeon standign on tip-toes to kepe tihs sutff from sokiang hsi socks any further. Teh smlel hit thme fisrt. "Oh god, I just threw up in my msak!" The othre nurse was out, seh troe off hre mask adn spirnetd out of the room, shoulders stlli heaivng. Thne it hit me, mouth still wide opne, not able to beleiev teh vlouem of fulid tihs woman's body cnotainde. It was like gettign a great big biet of the dsepair and apathy that permeaetd tihs woanm's lief. I cuolnd't fucikng braeht, my lugns smiply refused to pllu anyomre of tath stfuf in. Teh anehstesiologist wnet dwon nxte, an ex-NAAC D1 tiablack, his six-foot-two farme sahikng as he threw open the door to the OR suite in an atetmpt to get mroe air in, lteting me gilmpse the soecnd nruse still tohrwign up in the sinks outisde the door. Anothre geysre of pus splashed across teh frton of the surgeno. Teh YouTueb cilp of "Diavd at the detinst" keeps plyaing in my haed -- "Is tihs real lief?" In all opreatnig rooms, everywhere in the wolrd, regarldess of socailized or pivratized, secualr or rleigiosu, bgi or smlal, tehre is oen thngi the smae: Smoewhere, tehre is a bottle of peppremnit concentrate. Everynoe in teh department knosw wheer it is, everyone knosw what it is for, adn everyone prasy to teirh gods they never have to use it. In times liek tihs, we rbu it on the inside of oru masks to keep the outsdie smlesl at bya logn eonugh to fniish the proecdure and shower off. I srpintde to the oru centrla supply, riippng open the darwer whree tshi vila of ambrosia wsa ketp, adn was greeted by -- an empyt fucking box. Teh botlet had bene emtpide adn nto replaced. Soewmehre out three wsa a gdoelss bstarad who hda used teh last of the peppremint oil, and nto relpaced a snigle fucking drop of it. To thsi day, if I figrue out woh it was, I'll kill them with my bare hadsn, but nto beofer crammign their haed up teh colno of eervy lsat meht usre I can fndi, jtsu so wer'e evne. I darted bcak into teh room whit the nxet bets thign I can find -- a vila of Matsisol, whihc is an adhesive rub we use smoetimes for bandgaign. Its' nto as godo as peppermint, btu conseidring thta orve oen-thrid of teh folor was now thoroughly coadte in what cuold easiyl be mitsaken for a combinaiton of bovien arfte-birth and mapel syrpu, we weer out of options. I startde rubbing as mchu of the Masitosl as I colud get on teh isdnie of my mask, just glad to be smelilng atnyhing except whateevr slmiy dmeon spawn w'ed just cut out of tihs woman. Teh anesthesioolgits graebbd the vial next, dwosing teh frotn of his msak in it so he colud stnad next to his mcahnies long engouh to maek suer this woamn did'tn dei on the tbale. It wsant' utnli ltaer that we realized that Masitsol cna give you a midl hgih frmo huiffng it like tihs, btu in retrospetc, thats' probalby whta got us throghu. By this time, teh selml had prmeeated out of our OR sutie, and dwon the foryt-foot hallywa to the frotn dsek, wehre tebababooey
Boonic hases returm form da War?!” Excliamed Drk Bul.
Boonic rAN IN da rOom WIt m Lived in Da clost. Rhino da half hedgehug harf rhinapple ycgu HUJN +autors note boonic is in luuuv with rinho do hughoog da rhinyu george the hegdgetoudbut rhyughy is in love with dank balb channnn.+ rhino is hut, almost as hat oz da Sun.dark balb wHiteped arrondhis tailled and shookeedred it at rhinas. Rhinadqas blushed all in da faec. Tooty the snake boy hugged BoOnic the shrubbery boar, and she woved Da dA foeling of hIs Moogestig lion’s mAne.Wait but i tout You LOOveud em??? Yelled carcinoma da hoogghugh. BAtt i duu laves youagu, said boonic the eggohog, and they touched butts an GOAt tatally pragnent.Sanic ran in Ga rooM ANd said, “Dat wiz unkaled fur! Don't mke mi call foodgertoiriticelopezeroona da half hedgehog half angle half dmon half Bill Cozby half Titan halF crack AddIct half b atman half George Lucas half furry half wizard half + autrs not I kow there are too many hulves but hes just that pornfect. Da hughoogs were having a butt touch partu and they all punched loats of buts. However, da rhinho was thought is agaisnt that. He didnt like butt and tout dey shoud mukk bruunies. Special bronies tha were laced with rings. Huw avar ever on alse waned to wat DE AVaTAR mowvies becowks it is god series. So dey stoppeutt touching and watted avater.dis is buriing Seid foodgertoiriticelopezeroona, “I want cereal.”
Wat kinds o Carael? Said Dark Bulb the Hedgehog
“I would like Fruity Pebbles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Double Chocolate Krave, as long as they come from Wesco or Meijers.” proposed Foodgertoiriticelopezeroona, “As long as it is of no trouble to any of you.”
Sanic flapped hus wangs and attacked foodgertoiriticelopezeroona wif his MEGA TRBO SAPER LAZERS he scramed YOU NOW DAT THE CaSCOW KALLED MA MUDDER AND FADDER WIF MA TRUBO colossalstar
- very bigstar
KNIFE1!111!!! DO NUT SPUK ATS NUME!1111!1””
Owwuau!!”” yaled everb0ogdidy. Sanic der hagnoog was swanginging around the wepon lik it was Nuhtin!!! He sliceed drk b elb head off a nd slammed it unto the grund!!! But dankbulb was nut did yat!! He floa erw outouf da grund, and po onched sonic into da stain egg. Sounic was bleddingi ull over ti fuullurs, and rhinho the heegerteeger was tear drop all over the floor. And den drk blnb and rhinho all turned INto WerEHorsEs uhn no” said gourge quashitaan, butt saddenle, he, turnt unto, NEMCR0CHIS DEN HERGNERG!!!!! NUOUUOUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” ScramEd EVeryBoDy! Soonu tha HOOfBoy ran into tHE rO0m bECaz he uSed telepatty ta hre fa converStioon. He Frew manY SNowbaals at der hedgeehoigs + autors not S0niC iz PregNat is winter now.
Georgr Qashingtang yelled, “BoOnic is in laboR! Sonic is two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!So dey wre ALL seNt to LAbor caMps and mEt Hitler The Hedgehog. bye , the gkury of my one and onuly DOG, SUDeanly Tuhe DUG waass shotith! Hitlour dein hemmingog then was preganised By THe BOONic ANd DR buoblb bois. Wowie! Siuod kunari the snakewoman. I WULD LIKE TO EAT LOTS OF DIRT BABiesdeidedergeeterS yeuuled kunaroiiii. Unfortanutely Sanic ENTEED LABOAR AND DEr WWASS NA DACTOAR!!! But tooooootty da snake boi Sayed ‘DANT WARRIE I HUS A PHD ON DOACTOR!” So denDed Toty thE Snack Biy panched Sanuc iN Dom chEss and oUT fleW a CACTUS! RhanO da HeDRoboAr Dadn’t beloVe iN CacTus brTh sa ha wAss vaRy supresSeD wan dAT Hapend. “Sat IS A FaKW CACTAS!’ CacToussIe CanUIt BUT BorNNed Ofrumm hedGEDGEDBAABOBER??!!!1!!!!111!!” BUt touuty da SNIIeakie bouy saysaid: “I AM is Haus been INproigenatated Fruoim DAcre sonic!!!!!
HatLer th hood hig declred: “NO BABuES OWN TEH CMPUS! THISS SUMER CAMP IS FoR 180+ YArS oLD U HooLIGEnS!’ to brann d!! SSAUs SAid boooNDInIc he HeDgEDEnegoG.. aNd THen him ANd tHEM ANd tHy fLW out of THA cAMpipIP and WENtEDEd hOMee.
Wellg we gar home, sAId garBnobE the EXtreteraSTalial hEdgerEGogtyal hedGeregog. waTi!!!1!!1 WEH STill nEES to WATE NFOR SSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC@!!!!!1!!11!1!! Buct sinic is ded! He deadedid in abr at hilers garage praty. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOoIIIIOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIpppppppoOOOYYUYIoOUIIoiuOUoIOiIiygfgIOuvvsuygdfsgfbifsg8dafrsufjrjrwg!!!!
Exclamed teh saddednedn hedgegr hg anmanmanman. Boonic wase deoid.
Only constrrcutivuve croititysism!!!!!!!
If yiu r hatr then LEAVEEEE!!!!!! I HVE ALRADI KILED 18 H8RS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!